Something I Wasn’t Prepared For

Is the fear of my own death. I mean, it’s always been there. I joked with a friend that I could tell I’m becoming happy again because I worry about dying. However, today proved to be a whole different level.

I cried. Hard. I don’t wish this life on anyone. This living without the person you chose to be with dying so suddenly. I became sad, sitting there praying that I don’t leave my family or Perry (there! Have his *real* name).

That sadness entertained with a fear that Perry would pass on. That something catastrophic would happen and I wouldn’t be able to get there. Have I mentioned this is currently a LDR? Because it is. So that has its own set of my worries.

Grief is such this big messed up roller coaster. I’ve lived through my worst nightmare and the aftershocks take me to the ground sometimes. Today was one of those unexpected moments.

Chris always said death came in 3s. So when he died, I was sort of waiting for the other foot to drop. Well, the other 2. And the first one was my Mamaw, 20 days following Chris.

He passed on her birthday. One of my clearest memories from that day is sitting in the hospital room at 8 am and Chris excitedly going ‘we need to call your Mamaw!’ When Chris passed, I told Mamaw I’d be back to take care of her now but I never saw her again.

In some ways, I haven’t grieved Mamaw. I mean I have. I miss her. Every time I go to her house I miss the biscuits and gravy and our talks. But her and Chris died so close together my mind and heart was still in shock.

Valentines Day was rough emotionally. Amusingly, not because of Chris being gone but because of Mamaw being gone. Her and my Papaw (who passed in 2015) always went me something. My aunt did as well. It was like a group effort. And this was the first year I didn’t get anything from them.

One of my favorite Valentines memories is when an ex didn’t show up for dinner as promised. I called my Papaw crying, and he called and gathered my family for an hour drive to my college, at 8 o’clock, so I wouldn’t be alone. Mamaw held my hand.

It’s all little things. I know my Mamaw is with my Papaw and that helps. My heart just aches sometimes. I miss my people.

Grey’s Anatomy

Chris used to come home from Wing Tsun and have me run to hug him, telling him all about what happened. There were many times my anxious mind would cry, like when Shepard died. I’d sit there begging God not to take Chris and have that voice tell me he wouldn’t be. That I deserved to be happy and that Chris and I would have years together. Except we didn’t.

So I’m sitting here, on Peru’s bed, crying. A mixture of someone seizing because of course they do and praying that I don’t loose Peru as well.

And this is what people mean when they say it takes strength after loss. It takes courage. Because I am painfully aware that everything could be fine and 5 minutes later he be gone. That this man, who came in out of nowhere knowing the broken that I was, knowing how much I love Chris but still wants to protect me and keep me warm and make me laugh and have me talk about Chris, could no longer walk this earth. And it is terrifying if I let myself think on it too long.

I think in many ways this post is the most private. I do a pretty good job of ‘being okay.’ But there are moments I’m not. There are moment’s Chris’s death is still as raw as it was July 14, 2017. I have been changed in so many ways. I am stronger. I’ve learned to take risks because the next moment isn’t guaranteed. But I am changed. For better or for worse.

Pleads and Postcards

I listen to music. A lot of music. I have playlists upon playlists of songs. If I’m in the car or in the shower, music is playing.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus has been a favorite. Especially with their song ‘Facedown.’ I was in a really abusive relationship at one point in my life. So, that became my anthem and I stared to follow them. On a separate album, there’s this song, ‘Pleads and Postcards’, that I’ve listened to at least a dozen times since Chris passed. However, yesterday I actually listened to it. I thought I had, but the last verses yesterday peaked my interest.

But if I should fall

Then you should move on

All eyes watch out for you from up above

Now don’t take this wrong

But you should move on

All eyes watch over you from up above

From the beginning of this new relationship, Ive reached out to friends and ‘talked’ to Chris. I accepted that this was good. That this was right because it feels so natural. However, with the last week and struggling with my worth to a degree, it was nice to have this reminder in the form of lyrics I’ve heard just stating to make sense.

So a short post. I am alive. I am happy. Our anniversary is just over 2 months away. That will be the next milestone to see how it goes. Looking forward to the signs and life.

Also. Picture of diamond eyes since I haven’t in a bit 🙂


Four years ago I was venturing around San Antonio, falling in love with the city. January 29, 2014 was the first time I met Chris ‘in person’ and the main thing I remember from that day was my brain stopping. I looked for him in this sea of faces and saw him. He reached out and took me in this huge bear hug and I thought ‘oh, so this is what it feels like to not have anxiety or depression.’

I didn’t know that day, or even the next year or so, how important he would become to me. I didn’t know that he would enter my life in such a grand fashion and leave so suddenly. I often made the comment that he felt like a dream. Even moreso after his passing. He doesn’t seem real. We were together such a short amount of time.

I am thankful for this person that I have found. Last Thursday was rough. At one point I got so angry because things happened that wouldn’t had if Chris were here. I wouldn’t be in this area. But he’s gone, and about second tears star falling, Peru calls me and I’m not alone. It’s things like that which help me realize this is okay. It is okay if I feel ready. It’s okay to be where I am.

In 2013 I was in this state and never expected to leave. Things were happening with my family that made it seem impossible. By 2015, I had lived in SA for 9 months. I got out. And I will get out again. Life changes.

2018 doesn’t look nearly like I thought it would even in 2017. Time changes everything. Maybe that’s okay.

The ‘Real’ After

196 Days. I quit counting the days long ago but I’m still aware of them. Painfully so at times. The Facebook memories reminds me of what we were doing precisely a year ago. Time marches on.

This particular post has a very, very important purpose. Less than a week before my Raggedy Man passed, Erica Roman posted a blog in defense of Patton Oswalt finding a new love. I didn’t know if at the time, but our conversations regarding that would become crucial in the coming months. You see, he told me he wanted me happy. He said, and I know he meant it, that if I found someone to keep me safe and laughing the day he passed to pursue it. To not be afraid. To continue living and loving.

That day, him dying was so far from my mind. I had some health issues going on and the anxiety had convinced me I would be the one struck with a sudden illness and I wanted him to know that I just wanted him to be happy. So we talked. And less than a week later he was gone.

The first couple of months were a hellish nightmare. I don’t think I really breathed until I went to California. Then I spent many nights fearing the loneliness that this new chapter bought me. I have so much love to give and the holidays bought up that ‘welp, this isn’t how you planned it.’ I sat alone, wanting to be with him.

I signed up for Tinder. I’m being honest for the sake of it, guys. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t want sex. My profile literally said I just wanted someone to geek out to. Yet, because it’s Tinder, I would get propositioned. I should have known better. My final straw was when someone said I wasn’t ‘ready to move on.’ While they were correct, the implication that Chris was something I should move on from by like… now… actually bought out anger. I had plans to delete it, but by chance, fate (and I think in some ways, Chris) stepped in.

I matched with this guy, Peru (guys autocorrect hates his name and it’s perfect and makes me laugh so hard). With the cheesy pick up line, a conversation of I don’t even know what started. And sex wasn’t bought up. Eventually we added each other on FB , at which point I made it clear I was recently widowed and if it was a problem, to kindly just leave now. He didn’t leave, in fact, he told me he was surprised I didn’t talk about Chris more. So I began doing so.

We made plans to meet up. So we had a Christmas date, almost ruined with sickness. However, I made the trek and enjoyed some good company and steak dinner. The next day was the *real* beginning for me, though. As we walked back from lunch, he took my food. I protested but he insisted and then held my hand. And I’m pretty sure it was in that instant my guard was let down.

I went over to his place for New Years and was welcomed by a card welcoming me home. Guys, I don’t even think I’ve mentioned the meaning behind home here. But there it was – something saying I belonged.

January 10, I informed him that I was ready to go in. That I would still talk about Chris, that I would still need to go as slow as possible, but that I wanted to pursue this with him. There was one caveat – I did not wish to change my FB status. As silly as it sounds, it connects me to Chris and that is something that needs to dissipate over time. I went from engaged to married to widow in less than a year and I want something to remain steady.

That is more why this post was needed. While I worry to a degree what others think (hello , people pleaser) I do want others to know that life is horrid. It absolutely drags you down and knocks you out. Yet, there are unexpected joys. Sometimes in the form of a spark of love you never, ever expected.

I don’t know where life is taking me. All I know is that I cried over Chris last weekend and he stood by me, holding me. I know that I laughed for nearly 10 minutes straight. I know that in the last month, we’ve watched all extended editions Lord of the Rings and Hobbits. I know that I have been told ‘I have to keep my lady safe’ and I know that it’s all Chris would want. He would want me to live and love again and that’s what I’m trying. Learning the balance of keeping his memory alive while learning that life is okay without him.

I am thankful.

6 months feels like a lifetime.  Just as our relationship seemed to evade time, so does this after.  Some instances it feels like it happened yesterday. Others, it feels like he’s been gone a lifetime.  I can talk openly about it all now and not have a complete breakdown though my voice still cracks.


The past month has been so incredibly kind to me.  I’m currently sitting in MY apartment, with our kitten (Roo) getting into every single box there is.  I’ve had to rescue her from several tall ones.  It’s been four months since she and I have shared a home.  It may be a long night as she explores, but I am so incredibly thankful that she is under my roof.  That she has snuggled up to me already and purred.  Hearing her tiny meows.


I’ve found a very amazing person who in, some ways, I think Chris helped lead me to.  The past few weekends have been spent with him, and he doesn’t get tired or frustrated with the million Chris stories I tell.  He makes me laugh, which i am 100% sure Chris would be down for.  He helped me move into my apartment and has been keeping the lonliness at a minimum.  It’s been nice having someone to share conversations with someone.  To share the same geeky quirks and likes so that I can fangirl freely.

6 months out is not looking anything like I imagined 6 months out should, or would, look like.  But it is.  I am thankful for the peace that is somewhat entered my life.  January 14, 2018 looks a million times better than I’d imagined. The pain is still there but I am learning to embrace it as part of life and to enjoy the moments i am given with others.  After all, I know Chris would be proud of where I am.