Following Chris’s death, time seemed to stop. Everything was in slow motion and I had a hard time comprehending what had happened. I was in shock and stayed that way for quite some time. To be honest, the waves of grief started roughly 2 months after his death. However, even before that I did a lot of asking for him back.
I still do that. Yesterday was a day spent trying to figure out why he had been taken from me physically. Begging for him to come back. Those days don’t happen often but when they do, man it hurts.
During those days I also tend to play the ‘well if we could’ve done this, then maybe he’d still be here.’ I know that is a rabbit hole I wish to not enter.
Something that someone said very early on in this journey is what keeps me from going down the rabbit hole that is the what-ifs. “Sorry, Love. It’s a fixed point in time.’ (Excuse me while my nerd comes out.) A central premise of Doctor Who is that there are things you cannot change. For whatever reason, using a Doctor Who plot line helps me more than anything.
I can’t go back and change it. Even if I could go back, I can’t change his death. It was going to happen. All I really can do is be thankful that he died with me. That he passed knowing he was loved beyond imagination. That also falls into a fixed point in time – the moment that we fell in love. I also find great comfort in that.
So to whomever told me Chris’s death was a fixed point in time, thank you. It is the quote that keeps me from going down a horrid rabbit hole.
Also, because I am a Doctor Who fan girl, here’s a picture of me meeting David Tennant (10th Doctor) 8 days ago, in my TARDIS dress. Not that I’m counting or anything. Photo Credit to Epic Photo Ops