Chris made me laugh. Hard. He could be having the absolute worst day in the world and he would be his goofy self to make me laugh. This included a wide range of voices and jokes that made my sides hurt. My absolute favorite memory of him was when I was showering. He peeked around the shower curtain (yes, married couples see each other naked usually. Even in the shower) with a towel on his head and stated “Help me, Obi Wan. You’re my only hope.’ Following this, I had to sit down in the shower from laughing so hard.
The days after he passed I honestly wondered if I’d laugh so hard again. Up until the last 2 weeks, I really thought that I’d be faking laughs for the rest of my life. I giggle quite easily, even right after Chris’s passing. However, I have this deep belly laugh that I thought only he could bring out.
Here’s the thing though. I am naturally a happy person. Mental illness stands in the way of that many times but I enjoy laughing, enjoy making others happy. So I’m honestly not sure why I didn’t think I would find happiness/laughter again. A part of me died with him that day. Though at this point, I would say a part of me went into hibernation waiting for the right moment to come alive again.
Let me tell ya – laughing does wonders. While I was visiting a friend recently *waves hi to Jonathan*, I started to find that happiness again. It’s amazing what just being can do for someone. I turned off Facebook for a couple of days and just enjoyed company. The following week I laughed more than I had since Chris died. I was able to find enjoyment out of silly jokes and the randomness that comes from one’s mind.
I’ve also began hanging out with my best friend, Rissa, a lot more. We met at McDonalds as crew members and managed to become friends, maintaining that relationship when I moved to Texas. I have very clear memories of us having to walk away from each other at work because we couldn’t stop laughing. That has been happening again, laughing until our sides hurt from whatever random nonsense we come up with.
I guess i forgot how much other people can help. People need people. Chris was my person, but he ensured that I kept other people in my life. i remark quite often that, while Chris surely didn’t know he’d die when he did, he was helping keep people in my life whom he knew would be able to make me laugh.
To be able to laugh again — that is the biggest step to healing.