That’s like a mantra of some sort for myself. Nearly every day I am faced with something unexpected in the grieving process. Normally, it’s something that completely catches me off guard and reminds me of Chris. An example: I’ll be in the car, Muse will come on, and I’ll randomly remember him singing the lyrics and thus has a mini break down in the car. Usually that’s over and done with after 5 or so minutes. Then there are days like yesterday.
I will randomly remember various details about ‘Middle’ day. Yesterday, it was about the few minutes before everything started. To somewhat understand without going into full detail, Chris’s main cause of death was an aortic pseudoaneurysm (and now I ask myself why did I Google the spelling because it comes up with some stuff I really don’t like thinking about,) I can go on a very long rant about this, and the months previous to his passing, but I won’t. That’s not the point. What is the point is there was a very clear moment of when *it* happened. I kept going back to that instant and basically driving myself mad doing the ‘you should have done this, not this.’
Let me make it clear – I have never once seriously did the ‘blame myself’ game. I know damn well that I did everything I could’ve. However, for some reason, Halloween day my mind decides to do that. Thus, grief is weird. Things hit that you don’t expect. Sometimes it’s as simple as a song making you think of them, sometimes it’s blaming yourself out of nowhere.
I think that’s honestly part of the process, especially for someone as… there for the passing. I did not watch him die, though I did watch the beginning process of it. My brain sort of comprehended what was happening long before my heart chose to accept it. Grief for me, I believe, is my heart figuratively trying to process everything that day. Thus doing the ‘what if’ game.
So yes, grief is weird. It comes at 2 pm when I’m dancing and signing to our favorite songs. It comes at 3 am when I can’t sleep because I can’t breathe. It comes seemingly out of nowhere and yet, it goes as well. It is a process, just as life is some sort of process that we learn. We just have to occasionally add the weirdness that is grief to that proces.