Hallelujah

The song that everyone thinks is created by a different artists.  On my iPhone alone, i have it performed by:

  • Rufus Wainwright (my personal favorite)
  • Theory of a Deadman
  • Willie Nelson
  • Neil Diamond
  • Jeff Buckley
  • John Cale
  • Leonard Cohen (for those we want to know, the original artist.)
  • I WOULD have Ed Sheeran if it was available for purchase/download.

The point is it’s well known, and me being the music connoisseur that I am, have several different versions.  I remember when I heard Theory of a Deadmans version I literally got out of the shower to have Chris listen to it because ‘omg.. Theory of a Deadman Chris!’  This is slightly amusing as I was taking a shower when the same version came on and I just *had* to type this.  So here I am, in Chris’s robe at 10:30 pm, typing out thoughts.

I purposefully don’t play some songs because I know they’ll get to me.  That is becoming better each day, but Hallelujah was one I just avoided.  Not really on purpose, but because it was the song Chris probably heard a million times while I was showering.  So I just didn’t put it on my shower playlist.  But tonight, I put my music on shuffle and it came on (right after ‘DJ Got Us Fallin In Love’) and it just hit the right spot tonight.

I am an overdramatic person.  Well, I was.  At 21 a guy broke up with me and I literally thought my world was ending.  I laughed at it shortly after Chris died because 21 year old me was so naive. I put on Rufus Wainwright’s version and lamented how the world is such a cruel, evil place and how love was just an evil thing.

I’ve learned though.  What keeps playing over in my head is:

“Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor (you know)
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”

We can get into specifics of what this song actually is in reference to but that’s not the point.  What is the point, in this instance of time in my world, is that this describes how i feel.  I struggle with the lonely feeling.  I always have.  Then Chris showed up and its like all the loneliness left.  He’s gone, though.  Physically.  I don’t get to curl up next to him and have him hold me.  I don’t get to hear him say ‘I love you, MY Ginger.’  I know this level of lonely, almost, and its like before.  Where I’m desperate to be reassured that I am loved.  There was a long time I didn’t need that because I was reminded daily by one of the most amazing men to ever walk this Earth that I was loved and cherished and beautiful.  He also fought to make me believe it.  So while I’m currently struggling with him being gone and that not being told to me everyday, I know it to be true.

Going back to the song – love isn’t really a victory march.  Love is hard.  It takes work.  Chris and I had that ‘make everyone jealous’ type of relationship because we genuinely cared for each other.  However, he and I both made a conscious decision to work on it everyday.  We did not purposefully parade our love around – though I think some believed it to be so.

In this season, this chapter, of my life I am very very broken.  My heart is torn open and i can’t breathe on a daily basis.  Yet I still keep going.  I am beyond thankful for the time that i had with him.  It is a very broken thankfullness as i try to piece my heart back together, but it is there.  I am living , knowing that I am capable of being loved – and that means more to me than I think he would ever realize.

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