Music has been my life for as long as I can remember. When words fail, music speaks. As someone who does sometimes struggle for words to say, music became how to explain the emotions I felt and feel. When Lady Gaga came out with ‘Marry The Night’, I was immediately drawn to it. From the moment I heard it, I associated it with overcoming the mental illness that was part of me, Anxiety and depression had been in my life for 6-7 years by that time and I was attempting to stop the self injury that had become my coping mechanism.
Nights have always been rough. I volunteered for overnight positions at work because I didn’t like to be by myself (I still don’t) at night. Since Chris passed, the dislike of nights has been even greater. For a while, I would have panic attacks when attempting to sleep because that’s when it became too real. He was gone. He wasn’t just out for the day or busy doing other things. He wasn’t there anymore. That was, and sometimes still is, a hard pill to swallow.
So when my best friend and I finally scheduled our matching tattoo session, I knew I had to get ‘Marry The Night’ tattooed. It’s like when I have these things inked on my skin they become part of me, physically and emotionally. I asked a friend to write the title out as writing of those I love and care for means more to me then myself writing it out, or a design bought up by a tattoo artist. For this one especially, it was important to have someone who helped make the nights better and helped me get through these past 4 months write it out.
So this happened Tuesday night. I have that reminder that I can do this. That this is a season in my life, one that I will grow and learn from. Yes, it will hurt as well. However, i can choose to run from it forever and not feel, or I can embrace it, learn, and live. I will continue to do the latter by ‘marrying’, by embracing myself, my life, where I am now. I will live my life how I wish and continue to do so, making a better me. My world as I knew it ended, but I am still here. I choose to marry this life, darkness and all.