I’m always slightly amused at myself. I tend to ‘forget’ concepts or thoughts that mean a lot to me. Forgetting isn’t the right word, but it’s like they slip my mind because for a bit they aren’t that important. Though not a ‘thought’, my favorite example of this:
I LOVE circus peanuts. Those orange things that are pure sugar? Yeah, I can make myself sick on them easily from eating way too many. I forget about them though. Which, I guess, is a good thing. In fact, Chris had no ideaI liked them until we went to a Bass Pro Shop and I HAD to have them as an impulse buy. I ate them, then forgot I liked them. Chris did not. He’d bring them home to me randomly, repeat the process.
ANYWAY. Now that I completely sidetracked – becoming one with the darkness has been a recurring them in my life. That’s not to say I become engulfed in darkness and just accept my fate to be in eternal blackness. Rather, I mange to find myself in some pretty dark times. Many of those times have been created by my own mind. Mental illness is a hell of a mood killer. I learned to persevere through that, due largely with the help of music, which brings us to today.
This has been the most soul sucking darkness. *Geek alert ahead*. I will never know what a Dementor actually is like (at least I don’t think I will) but I imagine it feels much as it did the instant that I was told Chris had passed. It felt like the air had been taken out of me. I’d held out hope but in that instance my life as I knew it ended. I fell into a numbing blackness, much like a cold dark lake. It took the air out of my lungs while causing me to go cold.
I am just now able to understand that darkness. The depths of it. That is why the tattoo was inked onto my skin, as I learn to embrace the darkest season in my life thus far. The reminder that ‘you can do this, light will come back’ was also reprinted when reading a novel a friend got me. While there is a lot more to the story, one line in particular made me smile tonight.
“(…) It’s queer that daylight’s not enough. We need the shadows, in order to walk.”– Le Guin, Ursula K. Homecoming. The Left Hand of Darkness, Ace Books, 2010, p. 286.
While that allowed me to see if I remember correct MLA format, the greater point was the realization that darkness is needed at times. While I in no way think that this is ‘why Chris died’, it helps me to at least not be so bitter about it. He would want me to learn, no matter how painful the lesson was. Chris was always good for that – pushing my limits but being there lead me when needed.
He may not be here himself, but I have no doubt that in some form, the universe in combination with Chris, have placed people and played out stories so that I may continue to walk in the shadows but never be too far gone,