Chris and I didn’t do videos often. I am not fond of my voice and I spent most of my time just videoing him and keeping it for later reference on bad days (they have gotten me through). This being said, finding a video of me laughing until I cry is hard. So, have this video of me doing my ‘what in the world’ laugh as we had done at least a minute long video for every state on our adventure.
It is a recurring theme these past 4 months (yes, 4. Tomorrow at 12:59 CST it will have been 4 months exactly without him here) that I am happy. That whole first month was nothing but numb. However, starting with the Ed Sheeran concert, something cracked that numbness and made its way to light. I find myself enjoying life more, seeing everything in a different brighter light with occasional overcast showers.
It’s a bit hard, really, seeing others on their journey. There are people who are much farther along and don’t seem to be happy at all. I know I’m an outsider looking in and comparing myself which I shouldn’t do. However, to see so many people hurting and just being stuck in the moment leaves me wondering if I’m not doing this ‘properly.’ If I really am either cold hearted or denying things.
In those times I like to find the videos, or the texts, in which he makes me laugh. I am doing exactly what Chris would want – living. I am finding things to make me smile and laugh hard. I am finding reasons to keep going. I am choosing to believe that there are better days ahead. I am doing all this knowing he will forever be imprinted on my life, on my heart, but that this is what he would want. He would want me living. He would be so happy that I have made these plans for concerts that are happening in a year. He would love that I’m actually getting to travel, that I’m finding ways to calm my wandering soul.
I choose to remember him by living. By being happy. After all, that’s all he wanted for me. To be happy and to know I was loved.