I knew it would be weird. However, I didn’t expect it to hit so hard.

You see, Chris and I *only* knew each other 4 years.  We started talking in March of 2013. There’s a history that got us to where we were on July 14, but basically we were only a couple for the 2015   I bought him home Thanksgiving of 2015, we’d only been dating officially for a couple of months.  He wasn’t big on holidays,  However, I was.  I knew he was going to be alone so he and I saved so he could fly back to KY with me. We also took our dog, Sam, who was in flight with us and was so quiet the lady beside us was surprised there was a dog there after a 3 hour flight. It was the first time he’d met my dad.


Fun fact!  I was in the car with my dad and Chris that day, dad was driving us to the church from the airport.  We all are complete music junkies, and they were talking about Pete Townshend I, in my ‘lets ask questions before processing’ way, asked who it was.  (Hint: The Who).  Dad said he wasn’t sure I was his daughter anymore and Chris said he wasn’t sure he could date me.  In my defense, as soon as I said it I figured it out but it was too late.  It was the joke Chris would be telling today were he still here.

Then last year, we couldn’t afford for him to come with me.  So, I went alone.  However, we texted constantly (per our usual way) and had a countdown going.

My absolute favorite memory of Chris, other than him telling me I was doing well during our wedding vows, happened last year when I came back You know in the movies how they always have this whole reunion scene and the guy picks the girl up and twirls her around?  Yeah, Chris did that.  He saw me coming down the hall towards baggage claim and literally ran to me, picked me up with my feet off the ground, twirled me around, pushed me up against the wall, and kissed me.  It was that night that we discussed moving our wedding from ‘eh a few years from now’ to ‘maybe we could go to the courthouse tomorrow?’  We did end up waiting until April, but still.  The seed was planted.  And I am thankful I have his last name.

So while holidays are hard, per above, we only really had a couple together and only one of them was with him.  Yet it hit today, at some point.  It’s this deep loneliness as Facebook fills with ‘first Thanksgiving as husband and wife!’ That should be us.  I’m not sure why it isn’t other than for whatever reason, Chris isn’t here.  He had to go and I don’t understand it.

We had planned to come visit my family.  We knew we couldn’t afford plane tickets, so we were saving (we had a lot of little savings in random places.) I couldn’t get off work, so we were going to leave at 5 PM CST and drive straight through taking turns.  We weren’t going to tell my family, just my best friend and keep her updated so someone would know to send a search party if we didn’t arrive.  I was so excited.  I got to spend the holidays with my husband and see my family.  I was most excited to surprise Mamaw.  Yet, in some amusing way, her nor Chris are with us.

What I do expect to be rough will be the next few weeks.  There are memories scattered between the time of Thanksgiving and Christmas that will have their own blog post when i am reminded by Facebook.  As with Thanksgiving, we only really got two Christmases as a couple and one of those was spent apart. We didn’t have time to form memories but we had plans.  It’s those plans that sting.

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