Last night I fell asleep listening to Ed Sheeran, something I haven’t done in a while. Chris had a music playlist (full of Enya) for us. When I was away from him, I listened to a noise generated thunderstorm. Last night, however, I needed to find my calm. The place that was my safety for so many nights.
As has been previously discussed, I have a lousy taste in men, Chris being the only exception. Starting in 2011, ‘Give Me Love’ by Ed has been the song for me. When I was put in a closet (yes, i was. Again, bad decisions people) i would have my music with me and put that on replay. When I was being yelled at, i’d have one head in the pillow listening to Give Me Love. When i had to calm myself down after the physical altercations, I listened to Give Me Love. Needless to say, it’s my favorite Ed song.
I give a lot of love away. It’s like i’m over here with arms open wide just giving it all away and very rarely receiving it back outside my family. Chris was the first one romantically to give back. I think it’s why I quit listening to the song so much, despite it still being one of my favorites. (Ed Sheeran fangirl moment – the buildup to the last few verses gives me chills and still remains my favorite part in any song.)
Yet it came on last night and I listened to it. However, I wasn’t crying. I was given a very great love. All those nights and days I spent wishing.- it happened. It is a song that makes me smile, both for how it was ‘my’ song and for remembering how Chris used to get so excited watching me get worked up for that last part.
I’ve learned, i am learning, that I provide my own love. That while I had this phenomenal person to help me, I am capable of being loved. I am worth being loved. I am forever thankful for that lesson that Chris kept teaching me over and over again. That even when I see myself as unloveable, I still am. I just have to believe it.