I don’t hide the fact that I’ve struggled with self injury, depression, and anxiety for the majority of my life. My reasoning for this – at 13, the self injury was fueled by ridicule from peers. If I had just one person to really get it, it would’ve helped. (I eventually did find that one person. 8th grade band spent talking helped some.)
However; at that age I also really discovered music. Superchic[k] wrote my anthem until I discovered We the Kings at 16/17. Then Ed Sheeran has continually held that spot since I was 20.
So, when my heart and soul gets weary, i long for a concert. My first Ed Sheeran concert Chris helped pay for Because I’d had a rough year and he knew what it would mean. The second one was documented on here after he passed. The third one was last night at Poptopia. All three helped me find my peace.
The concert last night was spur of the moment. It was in San Jose. Cyber Monday had me on the inter webs looking. My heart and soul have been hurting as the numbness of Chris’s dearth has completely wore off. I was looking at different escapes and it happened the Poptopia ended up costing the same as other concerts. So I went.
I went and I felt that familiar excitement. There was a countdown and I texted my friend how that bought out a while different level of excitement. Ed played first, and i cried. I cry when happy and sad and nervous and excited. That was a happy cry after a few weeks of sad, ugly cries.
I have said that concerts bring me closer to God. I think since Chris died, they somewhat bring me closer to him. I tend to hear songs I associate with him. Where I am in a crowd, the memories don’t bring up tears. Rather, I am able to smile and sing along thinking of him
Life has gotten so crazy. I am overwhelmed, but I think it is good. I have a job I start tomorrow. I am looking at apartments for Roo Bear and I. I am struggling to see the light some days, but last night helped bring that into focus. I may no longer have the arms that kept me safe, but I have the love of music we shared. And I am thankful for that.