This isn’t a ‘feel sorry for Grayce’ moment. It is a matter of fact and it makes me even more appreciative of the ones I do have. However, it also means that with my general anxiety, I sometimes worry that those close to me will leave. I’ve learned to fight those thoughts as well, but it’s gotten worse since Chris passed. A lot of things have as I’ve had to face what was my worst fear and thus it brings out all the ugly messiness that comes with that.
To understand where I am going with this, you need to understand that I don’t open up to others. While I am open about things, I keep those close to me really close. I can count on one hand the number of people I have really opened up to. Those who knew many of my secrets the light didn’t know. Chris as at the top of that last. There are a couple of others who are no longer in my life due to reasons unknown to me. Thus, it leaves me struggling when I feel as if i was in the wrong somehow.
As stated above, the panic and sadness is worse. I lost my closest confidante on July 14. Those who I became extremely close to within the couple of weeks that followed are so imprinted on my heart and mind. The thought of not talking to them resembles some of that lost feeling with Chris. I think it comes from spending a lot of my time convincing myself Chris wouldn’t leave, but he did. He didn’t have a choice but he did. If he left, then that leaves it open that anyone can.
With all of this being said, i’ve learned to be extremely thankful for those who continue to reach out. I am thankful for the friend I can drive to at anytime. I am thankful, by extension, for her boyfriend who has accepted me as a sort of permanent third wheel. I am thankful for my friend 2500 miles away who learns I am coming close to him and decides to come visit, taking me to the sacred In-N-Out. I am thankful for his significant other as I struggle with learning that I’m not getting left behind.
I don’t know if the anxiety of those I love leaving in some way or another will ever go away. In addition to that fear of being left behind (and it being shown by those who didn’t stay for their various reasons), I now have that added layer of fear of death.
It’s funny, in some ways. Chris somehow knew who would stick around. He worked hard to make sure my best friend and I talked, texting her when I was too stubborn to because I thought she was ignoring me. He ‘okayed’ my closest male friend as someone that would protect me. He did. They did. They both stepped up and have been the reason I can get up and face the day sometimes. They are the voices reminding me that while I do not have many close friendships, I have some of the best I could ever ask for quality wise. That I am never alone, even on the darkest days. That is what helps keep me going.