I could literally go my whole life without seeing : hearing the word ‘aneurysm’ and still hear it too soon.

Yet I find it is more in my life after this. After Chris. I don’t like using the word ‘triggered’ since it’s become such a huge way for people to make fun of those who do struggle – but it is. A word is a trigger for me.

It puts me back in the moment it happened. The moment life completely changed. The word makes me twitch and on the worst days immediately makes me cry. Today is obviously one of the worst days for that word specifically.

So here I am, 11:19 in the morning, after seeing the word, crying. Not heaving but tears streaming down my face because I miss him and I despise this thing that took him from me. This thing that I keep praying didn’t hurt him.

I still spend a lot of time praying that whatever form he’s in that he doesn’t hurt. All I want is him safe and that’s all I’ve ever wanted since he walked into my life.

If I can keep telling myself that this, him being gone, means he’s at peace or happy or some sort of good something – then I can keep facing this stupid word.

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