If you learn anything about me outside of Chris from this blog, please learn that music is my life force. There are so many times that I’m unable to come up with an explanation to how i feel and music steps in. In this particular season of life – “Waiting For The End” by Linkin Park has become an anthem of sorts.
I didn’t listen to them for a while after Chris’s death. Chester passed so soon after Chris and it was such a punch in the gut sometimes. Listening to this band that helped describe my battle with mental illness (see ‘Numb’ and ‘Heavy’) and knowing they were missing a large part as well.
However, as with most things, I did finally listen to them a month ago. I despised ‘Waiting For The End’ when it first came out. I have no idea why, but I did. However, my return to Linkin Park involved this song, and it has been played daily since listening.
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And I don’t even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I’m picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again
I’m not saying Chris was wrong because gods knows he wasn’t. However, the belief that this relationship was going to do me for years to come was wrong. That I was going to wake up to him when I’m 40 and make breakfast and then go on an adventure. I got just under 2 years of that. I am thankful for that time.
I’ve been stuck, and that’s to be expected. I woke up on July 14 expecting to go to the animal shelter later that day and pick up a dog. I walked into that ER with him expecting them to say they don’t know whats wrong. I then changed that belief to quickly ‘he’s going to have heart surgery but we’ll get through this.’ Then finally, my reality became life without Chris. So it’s natural that, given the circumstances and the fact that he was my person, I’ve been in a rut.
However, I am coming to terms with the knowledge that he would want me happy. That it’s not wrong to laugh hard at other peoples jokes or enjoy the company of others. That its okay to find people attractive. I’m not disrespecting him by continuing to live my life.
So here, at the close of 2017, I’m choosing to look forward. Picking up the pieces of what was my life and intertwining them into what my life is now and what it will be. The hardest part of this is starting again – but he would want me to. Even better, I want to.
I know what it takes to move on.
And I will do so. He always said he admired my perseverance. While the hardest part of ending is starting again, I welcome it with open arms and believe that better days are ahead.
2018. Please be kind.