I’m Okay (Maybe)

I’m currently laying in my bed, trying to form thoughts out of things that are swirling. In 17 days, Chris and I should have been celebrating our one year anniversary. Instead I’m going to a concert with friends. Here’s a secret – I want to bail already.

When i planned this I didn’t expect April to hit like a ton of bricks. However, it did. Actually March 30 hit with a panic and coming to the apartment and telling Perry we had to leave. Now. Go anywhere. I just needed out. So we went to see my best friend, then to see my dad. And all was well. Until today.

Today I had to pull into a parking lot driving home from work because it hit. Hard. The missing his voice and his smile. The wanting to hear him laugh. Wanting to hug him. I want him to call me his ‘silly girl’ and laugh with me. But he isn’t here. Be won’t be coming back and sometimes that is still so freaking hard to accept

So I’m here, in bed, covered under a mountain of sheets. There are dishes in the sink and the litter box needs to be cleaned. Trash needs to be taken out. I still need to unpack. But I am tired. And sad. And this needs to be said because there are many whom think I am ‘so put together’ or ‘moving on’ and I’m.. so so not.

I push forward because I know it’s what he would want. I have found love again, but it is different. I try to keep being strong but sometimes we all break. No matter how well we seem to be doing.

So no, I’m not okay. I really stand by I don’t know if I ever will be again. But I’ll keep trying. I owe it to my heart, my spirit, to keep going. To be the person Chris saw in me.

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