Nightmares

There’s a little house on a perfect little hill
Just short of a fairytale

Long time no talk, blogging world.  Depression hit hard and all energy has been focused on surviving. So what’s happened since then:

  1. Our one year annivesary.  I was going to go out with friends but couldn’t bring myself to.  Instead, I had lunch with my mom, aunt, brother, and future sister-in-law. (Side note… I can never say how much I appreciate all of them, especially said future sister in law.  She held my hand at mawaws funeral a few weeks after Chris’s death.  She took in Roo.  I can never say thank you enough.)  My aunt made tres leches.  I then went to spend the night with my dad.
  2. My 27th birthday.  Perry and I went to my grandparents old house, now my moms.  She cooked us dinner.  We then went to his hometown where I was welcomed by his friends.  Much different then my 26th.
  3. California trip.  Perry went with me.  I’m always most happy there.  San Fransisco is so bustling, and the air and energy both wears me out and exhilarates me.  I missed it the second I boarded the plane back.
  4. Today.  Visited one of the places I last had good memories of Chris with.  A place we stood less than  a week before he died.  I made the trek to the top of the spillway and stood there.  The view isn’t the same without him.  We’d talked about moving to the area… he loved it.chrisupload

Never did I think I’d be coming back around
Digging up old memories
Always used to be the one to let it go
Kept my fears in a suitcase

I’ve been having nightmares, though not too often.  They’re always of his face and that’s a struggle.  I woke up one night thinking Perry had died.  That was a very, very rough night.

I gotta say it’s hard to be brave
When you’re alone in the dark
I told myself that I wouldn’t be scared
But I’m still having nightmares
I’m still having nightmares

I can’t say why I’m finding such solace in this song right now.  Thanks, All Time Low.  I just had a breakdown, over finances.  Because it’s what I do.  Then that leads to missing him right now.  Because of course it does.  Especially after today.  After being somewhere I could alomst feel him.  And here we are, in the final countdown.  Less than a month until what I call ‘D-Day.’ I thankfully have Warped Tour 5 days laters.  Music, always pulling me through.  Especially We the Kings.

I haven’t written because this is my life currently.  Breathing, getting by day by day somehow.  Missing him more and more, while learning to breathe without him still.

So the answer to how I’m doing:  I’m surviving.

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